Hiking and anxiety

Lately, I've really been wanting to go on longer, more challenging hikes. We usually don't do any more than a mile (not my choice). It's just hard because Daniel never wants to go very far. I'm kind of scared to go on long ones by myself, but I would probably be ok.

I've been very VERY anxious lately and I really don't know why! Today's been the best day out of the last 4 or so. It's just come out of nowhere. Daniel thinks its school related, but I feel more anxiety about work for some reason. I tried to get more sleep last night and the night before which could be causing it. I took a vitamin and got enough sleep last night.

I believe I had an anxiety attack at work the other day which kind of started all of this. I was very sleep deprived (only like 7 hours in 2 days) and I felt very, very dizzy. And to top it off my right ear sounded muffled or something (which it still kind of does). I felt super shaky and my voice was shaky. My arm started to feel like it was going numb and I was having a hard time breathing and gripping things. Also, everyone was unloading a Christmas tree truck so I felt kind of alone on top of customers asking very complicated things. Long story short I was freaking out and I thought I may have to go home. When the other cashier came in it calmed me down slowly and I made it through the day. I guess I'm still kind of recovering.

I felt like I just haven't been myself lately and I've been overthinking EVERYTHING. Way more than usual. I'm trying to come back. Slowly, but surely.

This really isn't the best picture, but I was feeling a much needed moment of gratitude when I took it. Basically since I've started working in a nursery, and probably before that too, I've been feeling so bad about the condition of the yard. There's so many weeds and tree suckers everywhere. But at this moment I looked over the fence and saw how gorgeous the trees were on the other side. You can also see some haze to the air. There's smoke blowing in from North Georgia forest fires, which makes me ridiculously sad. We're in a drought right now. But anyway, I felt very grateful that this is my backyard. A lot of people don't have this gorgeous view.

I put a lot of work into that raised bed/flower bed area you can see in the picture today. And man it feels good. In the picture, it just looks like a typical leaf covered area. But today, I watered down the rock hard soil, tilled it up and added mushroom compost. I pulled out the mint and lavender in the raised bed and raked out a TON of old roots. I added mushroom compost to that as well. I put leaves on top to make another layer of compost and also to keep out leaves.

I'm going to completely redo that area in the spring. I need to actually get a plan together instead of just buying what catches my eye. Because realistically, that's everything. My idea right now is to do herbs in pots, and possibly use that raised bed for annuals.

I have officially been accepted to Gwinnett Tech! :) I went ahead and signed up for two classes: Small Scale Food Production and Woody Ornamental Plant Identification. I was going to sign up for soils, but apparently I need a prerequisite. They told me to wait until orientation, but I know how it works, so I just did those two for now since I have a high interest in those two areas. My orientation is a week from today. I have quite a busy end of year, but I'm looking forward to it!

Update

As of today, I'm waiting to hear if I've been accepted to Gwinnett Technical College for horticulture. I'm not really expecting to be turned down, because I doubt they turn down anyone. I can't wait to hear back though! I'm feeling very good about it. I did have a bit of apprehension prior to applying. It's unfortunate that I have my doubts based on my gender. It isn't a major that most women are interested in. From what I've seen, sort of being in the industry already, it's fairly male-dominated. (It's funny how I went from a woman-dominated to male-dominated industry.) I'm not exactly sure what I want to do when I get out, but I know I want to use plant knowledge.

I had been feeling down and worried about not getting hired over a man, but Daniel made me feel better about it. He gave me the courage I desperately needed to hear.

[Side Note: I was awarded Employee of the Quarter for the summer. It was such a pleasant surprise. I'm glad to know that my hard work is being recognized.]

I've also been struggling with deciding if I should get my landscape design certification or floral design certification, or if I even need to choose one. Right now, I've chosen general horticulture (being the third option). It could change. Right now, I feel that's the best option for me. 

I just remember a particular day when I was in hair school. I felt terrible. Crying, anxious, probably the lowest I'd ever felt. I can't remember if I could even get back to sleep or not, but I remember staying home that day, treating myself to breakfast at Waffle House, and designating that day to figuring out what I needed to do to make myself happy, because hair DEFINITELY wasn't it. I also remember that was around the same time that I had started doing research on forestry/environmental science careers. What schools offered the program, what jobs were available, how much schooling I would need for said jobs. I knew then, that I need to do something outdoors and dealing with science. It's been a process trying to figure out the right combination of science/outdoors to finally figure out that horticulture is what I'm passionate about. It's such a good feeling to think how far I've come with all this. 

I'm so excited to see where the future is going to take me (as usual). I don't know. I just like working towards new goals, new challenges, bettering myself. That's all you can do for yourself. Work on becoming your best self.