Depressing Post. I just need to get some stuff out.

It's been weird. I was supposed to start mentoring to be a stylist on the 6th of January, but I pushed it out 2 months. I decided I want to look for something else. Hair makes me very unhappy. The lack of writing on my blog is just a small part of what it's affected. It's taken a lot for me to make this decision, but I physically cannot do it. It brings me so much stress and anxiety to the point where I get pits in my stomach even thinking about it. I don't know what I'm going to do instead, but I'll find something. It just can't be this. I've given it all I have.

I feel like once I find something else, I'll be much happier.

I'm having a hard time getting excited about the future these days. I feel like something in my life isn't "right". I really need to be happier, but the odds are against me. My mom and step-dad are no longer together as of recently. My mom decided she wants to be with his brother. This made the holidays interesting, but we made it work. Most of my family is in their own world. The only family member I've been connecting with lately is my brother. Which is nice, since we never really bonded growing up. I feel like I've kind of secluded myself from most of the world. I did end up deactivating my facebook. I think it's been about 2 weeks now.  And several months ago I made an Instagram account to get away from people I know in real life. I hate to say it, but that was mostly hair related. I couldn't handle all my hair friends posting their work all the time. Which is great for them. They love what they do. But for me, it brought attention to how I felt about hair. Maybe it's selfish, but I feel I had to do it for my well being.

I know I just "need to keep my chin up," whatever that means. I'm truly jealous of optimistic people. It's ok to be sad right?

Facebook

I decided I’m going to slowly stop following people on Facebook. I would unfriend them, but that just seems mean. I’m realizing I care less and less about what people post on there. I’d consider deactivating it, but my job posts about meetings and things on there. Maybe once I’m actually a stylist I’ll think about it.

I feel like there's so much extra crap on there that I have to sift through, and it's really becoming not worth it.

Thinking Time

I've been drooling over job listings (what?). Yeah. And guess what? They're not for hair stylists. I urn to work outside. Ever since I first realized being a hair stylist wasn't for me, I've been thinking about POSSIBLY going back to school for something in the environmental science area. I'm still going to finish school and get certified, and most likely work in a salon for a little bit, but I know I'm not going to do it long term. It's very uncomfortable for me and I don't like who I've become since I started. I literally drink alone every night (I don't get wasted though). But I drink higher quantities than I used to. I've been put on anxiety medicine.  I needed that anyway, but still. It was necessary once I started school. As you can tell, I've stopped writing. I have no motivation to do anything, but sit on the couch, drink, and watch tv. Pretty depressing. But anyway, I'd love to be a geologist or a scientist dealing with plants and habitats.

It really sucks that we're basically forced to figure out what we want to do for a living when were 18. I had no idea what I wanted to at 18, or 20, or 22. Now I'm 24 and just now realizing what my passions and hobbies are. It's unfortunate that I have to spend a huge amount of money to find out what I don't want to do.

All I know is that all the things that make me happy revolve around nature.

-Camping
-Hiking
-Being outside
-Plants
-Gardening
-Being in the mountains

Also, somewhat related, I made a "Happiness List" of all the things I can think of that make me happy. But, the following list is like my ultimate happiness/what I want to do more of.

*Daniel

*healthy food

*being in shape

*family

*hanging out with friends

*a clean house

*being outside

*hiking

*walks

*cooking

*spontaneity

*adventures

*dressing well

*a well decorated house

*parties

*being creative

*traveling

*good hair

*finishing things up

*getting rid of things

*camping

*minimalism

So yeah, we'll see what the future holds. I graduate in less than two months :DDD

Thinking About My Bucket List Again

And not much as changed. I revisited my old bucket list post, and it was interesting to reread. I have actually accomplished a couple things, including some that I hadn't mentioned on my previous post:

- I own a white Mini Cooper and I love it. The transmission is a bit janky at times, but overall, I love it.

- I got "a couple" of tattoos. One being my "lagom är bäst" tattoo. The other being a number 13 underneath a ladder I got on a Friday the 13th. I actually kind of regret this one. I was sort of pressured into getting it by hair school people (namely teachers). But I love the Swedish one :)

- I guess you could say I have great hair. I'm basing that on the fact that there's nothing I would change about it

- I'm on my way to becoming a hair stylist. I have less than two months of school left. Then, I will be able to get state certified. Whether I'll stay a stylist long term, or not, is still up in the air. However, it was on my list. I even leveled up to a Level 3 (one of only 5 in the school I believe)

- I've seen the Sound of Animals Fighting live, and it was amazing. I got an amazing spot up close and even got to shake one of the main artists hand.

- I've met Anthony Green (who is also in The Sound of Animals Fighting and in the video above); my favorite artist of all time and got a picture of him with his arm around me. He even asked me my name and called me by it.

I hadn't really realized just how much I've accomplished until I wrote this. The next thing on my list though will most likely be going to Iceland and seeing the Northern Lights, and also swimming in the Blue Lagoon. I've started taking the first steps toward accomplishing this. I've started researching costs, road trip plans, reading about the culture, and watching traveling videos.

After that I don't really know. I would love to see Fleet Foxes live, but I don't know if they even perform any more. I would love to see Mountain Man live too, but that will likely never happen. Owning a cabin in or near the mountains is another thing I would love to make a reality. 

It's just cool and fun to make a goal and do what you can to accomplish it.

It's Been a While

I really haven't had a ton to write about lately. Life has been pretty boring. I've been going to school mostly. I'm set to graduate around the first week of August. Oh yeah, I'm trying a temporary vegan diet. I don't really have a set time for how long it's going to last. I just want to try it and see if I feel better. I've still been drinking though, which is going to make the results not as accurate. I'm 3 days in I think. I did have one meal that wasn't vegan though, because I went to one of my favorite places in Atlanta, The Porter. The meal was vegetarian though.

Oh yeah, I got my hair cut too. It's an asymmetrical bob. One sides sits a little past the shoulder, and the other side is longer. I really like it. I really just want to focus on getting my hair healthy. I bleached it a lot recently, so it's in a fragile state, but much better than it was.

Lol that's about it for now!