February is Almost Over

I'm two months into school now. Everything is going pretty well for the most part. I haven't had much free time though, however which kind of sucks. I don't have much time to reset my brain. I've been doing a lot of studying. memorizing and reading lately, but I don't feel like talking about school much right now.

I feel like I've been in a bit of a rut. I used to dream about wanting to do or accomplish certain things. But lately, they haven't been on my mind as much. Or if they have not in a positive light. I feel like I've thought of these things so often as my "happy place" in times of sadness or stress that they've lost their sheen a bit. It's discouraging.

I haven't felt very happy lately. There hasn't been much very new or stimulating, and life has been kind of boring. I guess it could be winter depression.

The last couple days, I've been trying to clean up areas in the backyard. There's quite a few areas that have been over taken by tree suckers (or new growth shooting from the roots). I've taken care of 2 areas out of like 6 or 7. So I still have a lot more work to do, but the most pressing and obvious areas are done. I'm getting callouses and blisters so it's kind of cool to see that my body is accomplishing things.

I have a feeling I'm going to end up putting my energy into getting the yard looking better. I'm tired of it weighing on me. I feel like my possessions are getting under control (there's always room for improvement, but I don't have a maybe pile right now.)

I'm kind of drunk right now so I'm gonna end this here.

Winter Blues

So judging by my vulgar last post, you can probably come to the conclusion that January and I don't get along. For whatever reason, since high school, I have always got a terrible depression the first week or two of January. Mostly the first week. It's seemed to carry with me even 9 years later. I try to avoid it, but it's inevitable. I know it has to do with that feeling of going back to school. You go from care free relaxing time with your loved ones to waking up early to a very cold, empty morning.

There was one particular year, my junior year, that hit me the hardest. It's easily in the top 3 if not most depressing times in my life. I don't want to get into the details of why, but it has to do with feeling very alone. Ever since then, I've always had a gut-wrenching sadness the first week of January.

I think it's safe to say I have moved passed it (at this point in the month anyway). Yesterday was my first day of school. It was my least interesting class, and I still really enjoyed it! It's a pest management class. I really like my teacher. He seems really laid back, and shares the same view points that I do. Tomorrow, I have Woody Ornamental Plant Identification, Small Scale Food Production, and Intro to Floral Design. I'm so excited.

I've started reading a book called "The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up" by Marie Kondo. It's about a different approach to minimalism. It is honestly the most relatable information I've read about minimalism. It also addresses a lot of the reasons why I feel I've failed in the past. The author seems to have gone through a lot of the same minimalist obstacles I have and have wrote about. She never actually uses that word though. The jist of it is going through everything very quickly and for the most part only once. Like a life event. You basically go through every item, by category not room, and ask yourself if the item "sparks joy".

Where I struggle, and one of the things she addresses, is going through everything little by little. If you go through little by little, you will never actually finish. I'm a little scared to do it though, because I feel like I will hold onto things just because I feel like I should. Or because I spent a lot of money on it. If you do that though, I feel like you're not doing the true Konmari method. You jipping yourself. But knowing me, I'm probably going to do it anyway.

Anyway, I'm probably going to try this once I finish the book. I'm like 41% through according to Kindle. I'll be sure to write my thoughts and experience with it!

FUCK JANUARY

Just Writing

The New Year is around the corner so naturally it's time to evaluate my life. One thing I definitely want to change is making more of an effort to be around my family. We are scattered, but still somewhat close by. I don't feel that close to any of my family anymore and I can't stand that. I want to work on actually answering phone calls instead of just letting them ring.


My second big thing I want to work on is drinking. I have gotten a lot better about it, but I'm still not happy with where I am. But I am definitely proud of my progress. I got a little crazy on Christmas Eve and it was a bit of a wake up call. I also ended up puking the other night (accidentally). That night really snuck up on me, and I definitely didn't mean to drink that much. I only had 4, but the higher ABV got to me. Anyway, I'm getting to old to still be doing this.

I want to try to act more mature too. I can get kind of upset if something doesn't go the way I want to. In addition to that, I want to focus on getting more stuff done around the house and helping Daniel with chores. We're both kind of lazy when it comes to the house. Not even necessarily cleaning, but fixing things when they break or there's an issue with them. But I'm proud of us, because our bathroom fan (in the one bathroom we do use, because the other two are messed up :/) broke about a week ago, but we fixed it today! So that's a step in the right direction.

I want to focus on being more present. Stop being on my phone so much mostly. I know I waste so much of my life on my damn phone.

And obviously there's always the health thing ;)

To recap for myself:

1. Spend more time with family
2. Work on drinking less/ focus on health
3. Take care of responsibilities
4. Be present

Hiking and anxiety

Lately, I've really been wanting to go on longer, more challenging hikes. We usually don't do any more than a mile (not my choice). It's just hard because Daniel never wants to go very far. I'm kind of scared to go on long ones by myself, but I would probably be ok.

I've been very VERY anxious lately and I really don't know why! Today's been the best day out of the last 4 or so. It's just come out of nowhere. Daniel thinks its school related, but I feel more anxiety about work for some reason. I tried to get more sleep last night and the night before which could be causing it. I took a vitamin and got enough sleep last night.

I believe I had an anxiety attack at work the other day which kind of started all of this. I was very sleep deprived (only like 7 hours in 2 days) and I felt very, very dizzy. And to top it off my right ear sounded muffled or something (which it still kind of does). I felt super shaky and my voice was shaky. My arm started to feel like it was going numb and I was having a hard time breathing and gripping things. Also, everyone was unloading a Christmas tree truck so I felt kind of alone on top of customers asking very complicated things. Long story short I was freaking out and I thought I may have to go home. When the other cashier came in it calmed me down slowly and I made it through the day. I guess I'm still kind of recovering.

I felt like I just haven't been myself lately and I've been overthinking EVERYTHING. Way more than usual. I'm trying to come back. Slowly, but surely.

This really isn't the best picture, but I was feeling a much needed moment of gratitude when I took it. Basically since I've started working in a nursery, and probably before that too, I've been feeling so bad about the condition of the yard. There's so many weeds and tree suckers everywhere. But at this moment I looked over the fence and saw how gorgeous the trees were on the other side. You can also see some haze to the air. There's smoke blowing in from North Georgia forest fires, which makes me ridiculously sad. We're in a drought right now. But anyway, I felt very grateful that this is my backyard. A lot of people don't have this gorgeous view.

I put a lot of work into that raised bed/flower bed area you can see in the picture today. And man it feels good. In the picture, it just looks like a typical leaf covered area. But today, I watered down the rock hard soil, tilled it up and added mushroom compost. I pulled out the mint and lavender in the raised bed and raked out a TON of old roots. I added mushroom compost to that as well. I put leaves on top to make another layer of compost and also to keep out leaves.

I'm going to completely redo that area in the spring. I need to actually get a plan together instead of just buying what catches my eye. Because realistically, that's everything. My idea right now is to do herbs in pots, and possibly use that raised bed for annuals.

I have officially been accepted to Gwinnett Tech! :) I went ahead and signed up for two classes: Small Scale Food Production and Woody Ornamental Plant Identification. I was going to sign up for soils, but apparently I need a prerequisite. They told me to wait until orientation, but I know how it works, so I just did those two for now since I have a high interest in those two areas. My orientation is a week from today. I have quite a busy end of year, but I'm looking forward to it!

Update

As of today, I'm waiting to hear if I've been accepted to Gwinnett Technical College for horticulture. I'm not really expecting to be turned down, because I doubt they turn down anyone. I can't wait to hear back though! I'm feeling very good about it. I did have a bit of apprehension prior to applying. It's unfortunate that I have my doubts based on my gender. It isn't a major that most women are interested in. From what I've seen, sort of being in the industry already, it's fairly male-dominated. (It's funny how I went from a woman-dominated to male-dominated industry.) I'm not exactly sure what I want to do when I get out, but I know I want to use plant knowledge.

I had been feeling down and worried about not getting hired over a man, but Daniel made me feel better about it. He gave me the courage I desperately needed to hear.

[Side Note: I was awarded Employee of the Quarter for the summer. It was such a pleasant surprise. I'm glad to know that my hard work is being recognized.]

I've also been struggling with deciding if I should get my landscape design certification or floral design certification, or if I even need to choose one. Right now, I've chosen general horticulture (being the third option). It could change. Right now, I feel that's the best option for me. 

I just remember a particular day when I was in hair school. I felt terrible. Crying, anxious, probably the lowest I'd ever felt. I can't remember if I could even get back to sleep or not, but I remember staying home that day, treating myself to breakfast at Waffle House, and designating that day to figuring out what I needed to do to make myself happy, because hair DEFINITELY wasn't it. I also remember that was around the same time that I had started doing research on forestry/environmental science careers. What schools offered the program, what jobs were available, how much schooling I would need for said jobs. I knew then, that I need to do something outdoors and dealing with science. It's been a process trying to figure out the right combination of science/outdoors to finally figure out that horticulture is what I'm passionate about. It's such a good feeling to think how far I've come with all this. 

I'm so excited to see where the future is going to take me (as usual). I don't know. I just like working towards new goals, new challenges, bettering myself. That's all you can do for yourself. Work on becoming your best self.