Just Writing

The New Year is around the corner so naturally it's time to evaluate my life. One thing I definitely want to change is making more of an effort to be around my family. We are scattered, but still somewhat close by. I don't feel that close to any of my family anymore and I can't stand that. I want to work on actually answering phone calls instead of just letting them ring.


My second big thing I want to work on is drinking. I have gotten a lot better about it, but I'm still not happy with where I am. But I am definitely proud of my progress. I got a little crazy on Christmas Eve and it was a bit of a wake up call. I also ended up puking the other night (accidentally). That night really snuck up on me, and I definitely didn't mean to drink that much. I only had 4, but the higher ABV got to me. Anyway, I'm getting to old to still be doing this.

I want to try to act more mature too. I can get kind of upset if something doesn't go the way I want to. In addition to that, I want to focus on getting more stuff done around the house and helping Daniel with chores. We're both kind of lazy when it comes to the house. Not even necessarily cleaning, but fixing things when they break or there's an issue with them. But I'm proud of us, because our bathroom fan (in the one bathroom we do use, because the other two are messed up :/) broke about a week ago, but we fixed it today! So that's a step in the right direction.

I want to focus on being more present. Stop being on my phone so much mostly. I know I waste so much of my life on my damn phone.

And obviously there's always the health thing ;)

To recap for myself:

1. Spend more time with family
2. Work on drinking less/ focus on health
3. Take care of responsibilities
4. Be present

Hiking and anxiety

Lately, I've really been wanting to go on longer, more challenging hikes. We usually don't do any more than a mile (not my choice). It's just hard because Daniel never wants to go very far. I'm kind of scared to go on long ones by myself, but I would probably be ok.

I've been very VERY anxious lately and I really don't know why! Today's been the best day out of the last 4 or so. It's just come out of nowhere. Daniel thinks its school related, but I feel more anxiety about work for some reason. I tried to get more sleep last night and the night before which could be causing it. I took a vitamin and got enough sleep last night.

I believe I had an anxiety attack at work the other day which kind of started all of this. I was very sleep deprived (only like 7 hours in 2 days) and I felt very, very dizzy. And to top it off my right ear sounded muffled or something (which it still kind of does). I felt super shaky and my voice was shaky. My arm started to feel like it was going numb and I was having a hard time breathing and gripping things. Also, everyone was unloading a Christmas tree truck so I felt kind of alone on top of customers asking very complicated things. Long story short I was freaking out and I thought I may have to go home. When the other cashier came in it calmed me down slowly and I made it through the day. I guess I'm still kind of recovering.

I felt like I just haven't been myself lately and I've been overthinking EVERYTHING. Way more than usual. I'm trying to come back. Slowly, but surely.

This really isn't the best picture, but I was feeling a much needed moment of gratitude when I took it. Basically since I've started working in a nursery, and probably before that too, I've been feeling so bad about the condition of the yard. There's so many weeds and tree suckers everywhere. But at this moment I looked over the fence and saw how gorgeous the trees were on the other side. You can also see some haze to the air. There's smoke blowing in from North Georgia forest fires, which makes me ridiculously sad. We're in a drought right now. But anyway, I felt very grateful that this is my backyard. A lot of people don't have this gorgeous view.

I put a lot of work into that raised bed/flower bed area you can see in the picture today. And man it feels good. In the picture, it just looks like a typical leaf covered area. But today, I watered down the rock hard soil, tilled it up and added mushroom compost. I pulled out the mint and lavender in the raised bed and raked out a TON of old roots. I added mushroom compost to that as well. I put leaves on top to make another layer of compost and also to keep out leaves.

I'm going to completely redo that area in the spring. I need to actually get a plan together instead of just buying what catches my eye. Because realistically, that's everything. My idea right now is to do herbs in pots, and possibly use that raised bed for annuals.

I have officially been accepted to Gwinnett Tech! :) I went ahead and signed up for two classes: Small Scale Food Production and Woody Ornamental Plant Identification. I was going to sign up for soils, but apparently I need a prerequisite. They told me to wait until orientation, but I know how it works, so I just did those two for now since I have a high interest in those two areas. My orientation is a week from today. I have quite a busy end of year, but I'm looking forward to it!

Update

As of today, I'm waiting to hear if I've been accepted to Gwinnett Technical College for horticulture. I'm not really expecting to be turned down, because I doubt they turn down anyone. I can't wait to hear back though! I'm feeling very good about it. I did have a bit of apprehension prior to applying. It's unfortunate that I have my doubts based on my gender. It isn't a major that most women are interested in. From what I've seen, sort of being in the industry already, it's fairly male-dominated. (It's funny how I went from a woman-dominated to male-dominated industry.) I'm not exactly sure what I want to do when I get out, but I know I want to use plant knowledge.

I had been feeling down and worried about not getting hired over a man, but Daniel made me feel better about it. He gave me the courage I desperately needed to hear.

[Side Note: I was awarded Employee of the Quarter for the summer. It was such a pleasant surprise. I'm glad to know that my hard work is being recognized.]

I've also been struggling with deciding if I should get my landscape design certification or floral design certification, or if I even need to choose one. Right now, I've chosen general horticulture (being the third option). It could change. Right now, I feel that's the best option for me. 

I just remember a particular day when I was in hair school. I felt terrible. Crying, anxious, probably the lowest I'd ever felt. I can't remember if I could even get back to sleep or not, but I remember staying home that day, treating myself to breakfast at Waffle House, and designating that day to figuring out what I needed to do to make myself happy, because hair DEFINITELY wasn't it. I also remember that was around the same time that I had started doing research on forestry/environmental science careers. What schools offered the program, what jobs were available, how much schooling I would need for said jobs. I knew then, that I need to do something outdoors and dealing with science. It's been a process trying to figure out the right combination of science/outdoors to finally figure out that horticulture is what I'm passionate about. It's such a good feeling to think how far I've come with all this. 

I'm so excited to see where the future is going to take me (as usual). I don't know. I just like working towards new goals, new challenges, bettering myself. That's all you can do for yourself. Work on becoming your best self. 

0-0

I've been feeling quite overwhelmed with possessions. Shocker. Although I did go through about a quarter of objects that have been weighing me down mentally. I still have a bunch to go through. I think some of whats overwhelming me too, is that I don't have control over some things. Like the garage at all. Also, the kitchen. Mainly those two. I honestly would love to just have 4 place settings, barely any glasses, minimal appliances. But Daniel collects beer glasses and would never let me get down to just 4 place settings. What can ya do?

I almost feel like the longer I'm a minimalist, the harder it becomes (about 9 years now holy shit; although I've had these tendencies since high school). Because I've been down to barely any possessions before and know that I need a little more to be happy. Or at least I thought. I've been through cycles of buying and purging so often that it's hard to commit to serious minimalism. I use things temporarily, then I'm ready to get rid of them. I will say I have gotten A LOT better though. Now it's mostly plants that are the issue.

///

So now it's been a couple hours later, and I've finished going through the things I was talking about earlier. I still have a few items that I'm still deciding on, but for the most part, I've gone through everything. I moved most of my possessions into my closet, just to get everything in one place. I've been on a minimalist youtube video binge today and that was one of the tips suggested; to get everything in one area. So now, all you can see in my bonus room is my desk, a lamp and plants (including a shelf that has many plants on it.) I'm pretty proud. This is the most minimal I've felt in a while. It'll be a different story whenever I actually drop those items off at Goodwill. However, there are a few things that I need to try and sell. I really don't want to. I'd rather just cut my losses and donate them, but Daniel wants me to try and sell them. We'll see what happens. I rearranged my room too. I feel that's necessary sometimes.

Lately, I've been enjoying just hanging out at home and being lazy on the couch watching shows/documentaries. Usually, Daniel and I always go the mall area when we have time off together and just go to stores to walk around and occasionally shop. No wonder I struggle with buying things all the time. I think we both find comfort in it for some reason. I want to try and get away from that if I can. I know that's when I mess up the most.

Oh well, I feel like I've had some set backs that I'm still recovering from (namely hair school, and all the clothes, make up, tools, products associated with it). But I feel good about the future. Every time I go through a decluttering process, it opens my eyes to the things I honestly do use/don't use.

lol ok I'm way too drunk to keep writing <3

It's Fall. Sort of.

So not too much has happened lately in these parts. I did, however, pass my green shirt test!! Which I'm super happy about! This has been an EXTREMELY long process though! It took almost 3 weeks to get graded. On top of that when I found out I passed (I got a 93) and ordered my shirts, I found out my size is on back order...So who knows how long it's going to be before I actually receive my shirts. Very frustrating.

I've also set up my tattoo consultation, appointment, and paid the deposit. The consultation is in October and the actual appointment is in November. I cannot wait! We've also booked a cabin in Cherry Log, GA for our 4 year anniversary around that time. So basically, we're going to go on vacation, then I'll get my tattoo the day we come back.

I've been trying to not be on my phone as much lately. Having to cut back on data is mostly the reason. I've gone over on data the last two months and am getting tired of paying $90 for my phone bill alone. Daniel is on Google Fi and I'm on AT&T. Eventually, when the cancellation fee to monthly bill ratio becomes beneficial, I'm going to switch to Google Fi. Anyway, I basically went on a data diet and didn't use any data on my phone for a week straight. It was interesting, and almost habit breaking. I'm slowly trickling back by day 2, but I do think I'm doing much better than before. Disconnecting and bringing your focus to real life is definitely an eye opener. It's really crazy and sad when you realize just how much time you spend checking your phone. I used to not even have a cell phone until my senior year of high school and I got by just fine. I can't believe how dependent I've become.

The next few weeks I'm just going to be counting down to cool weather and indulging in everything pumpkin. After all, it is almost the best time of year. Right now, I'm dreaming of a chilly day tending to my garden in the morning, drinking something hot, then heading out to the observatory as it gets dark. Daniel hinted to me that he wants to get me a telescope for christmas. Honestly, I couldn't think of a better gift. I'm in a very spacey mood at the moment and currently listening to this.

Studying

So the last week was a good one. I got a lot of hours, and I've been studying to get my "green shirt" at work. When you start there, you have to wear a brown shirt. But if you pass a horticulture test, you get to wear a green collared shirt and suddenly become one of the employees customers come to for questions. This is going to be interesting for me though since I'm a cashier. I'm HOPING it will get me on track to start being an associate outside. Once fall hits, we're going to start seeing more business. My goal is to get my green shirt next week possibly or maybe the week after. I feel like I'll definitely be ready by the end of this upcoming week.

So I was talking to Daniel about it, and when I get my green shirt, I want to reward myself with the tattoo I've been wanting forever. I had been delaying this because of the placement. Initially, I wanted it on my forearm, then my inner bicep, but now I'm thinking on the outside. I'll have to give this more thought, but I know I want it. At work, we're not allowed to have any visible tattoos. But my sleeve would cover it.

Anyway, I'm super excited. I feel like my life is finally headed in the right direction. I love where I work, I'm in the right environment, I love the people I'm around at work, and my brain is being put to use every day. It's the perfect amount of science for me. Horticulture is the perfect field for my black and white brain. Once you learn something you're set. The information isn't going to constantly change like other fields. It's very comforting to me. Not only that, but I'm around what I love everyday. Plants are so relaxing to me. The other day a customer came in and she told me she came there "to relax for a little while." I was like damn and this is where I get to fucking work? I am so fortunate. The money isn't great, but I do love my job.

I'm so excited to see where the future is headed. But right now, I'm enjoying the present. That's the important part.